Karma Karma Karma Karmelllleonnn

Karma rules our lives.

KNS.

Sometimes these Karma Rules are annoying. WHen they're not on our side, that is.

I know this much. Everything happens for reason and everything I do will result in a consequences. The wheel of karma spins mercilessly. Noone is spared. Ya hear that??


So, this is exactly what happened the past half year and more.


The Great Fortune teller told me. ( As well as all my friends, mother and brothers):

" LEAVE YOUR BOYFRIEND (Captain Scary)! HE's Fyucked UP to the 9!!!!!!!!!"

He is one bad egg and if you do stay with him, you won't be happy and one day, he might end up to be something like your dad" *shudders*

Uhhh.. !!!

I didn't get it.

I loved that stupid boyfriend so much. Why must leave him? I know he drinks stout like a fish, saves absolutely no money in the piggy bank, spends as he likes, prepares to die anyday, the flirtiest, most disloyal and most unreliable person ever and he is one of the rudest people when in a bad mood and the most egoistical, inconsiderate person at times. But I loved him! All these didn't matter.

I overlooked the fact that he made me worried, sad and miserable more often than he made me happy. But silly girl of course crossed her fingers and hoped that he will come to his senses soon. This nightmare will be over and it will be happy-ever-after.


That was me, Captain Scary and my undying love for him.


Ah stupid stories.

Stupid girl. Won't you say?

I have never graduated from the "USE-YOUR-BLAIN University"

So, there finally came a time when I made up my mind. For my own good, for my future's sake, for my mom's sake and for every-freakin-body's sake. No more Captain Scary. Go get Captain Nice, get married and have many many kids.

Jac started to kinda lock me up at home so that I won't see Captain Scary, I'd switch off my phone and I'd wait til he goes far away. I really DID DID DID try to stay away okay!! I was determined to stay clear!

I don't know why before that we just kept crossing paths!! BLoody Destiny?!!


Earlier this year, I imagined that maybe he'll go away someplace far soon. I knew he was leaving for Taiwan. So maybe that could be it.
So, I imagined that he would go to Taiwan, before that we would be out of touch already. He would see my sign and stay clear too. We would thus drift apart and he would be out of my life. For good. And my path of destiny would divert back to the correct lane and I would get what I truly deserve. While he is gone. I would thus be a good girl and meet someone really nice. Someone I deserve, someone ought to be mine. Mr Right.

I recall, the fortune teller also told me :
"If you let go of this monkey, you will find your true prince charming. He will be nice, loving, warm, capable, rich and you will like him very much.. But you must really let this monkey go.."

Sounded like a perfect plan.


So.. I imagined that I would find that Mr Right when he's gone. But somehow, I also predicted that on my Birthday Party itself, which was planned to be on 22nd April, Captain scary would return from over seas, and show up ( I like to keep my daydreams and predictions more realistic, surely life's not all pink clouds and blue sky). Somehow this just crossed my mind, like a thick, yellow streak on a black patch. Eventhough I wouldn't be telling him about the party. He would just show up and shock everyone. He would somehow remember about it.

He would then stick around in my life again and make a huge mess out of it.




As it happened.




He did fly away to Taiwan for a few weeks. Before that, I have managed to stay clear. I was doing very well.
At that time, I was about to go to Hong Kong too.

So, after he's gone. I met up with an old friend I used to kinda date a few times. Though nothing came out of it at all.

This old friend matched all the descriptions, he was a really nice guy, he was caring, civilised, warm, generally a really really nice chap.

As a bonus, he was very good looking, smart and funny too.

So, naturally, I fell head over heels and forgot about Captain Scary.
I flew overseas for awhile, refreshed my mind and we got together when I got back in town and it was blissful. I felt so blessed.

He was all I could ask for, smart, good looking, witty, caring, warm, loving, endearing, thoughtful, sensitive, yet not possessive, not patronising, not bossy. We shared passion in music and I thought, my Gosh.. I strike Jackpot!

This is it! He must be prince charming! Finally.......

Eventhough it started out on the wrong foot somehow, it got better and better later on. In no time, I was completely in love. Completely conquered.

It was HOW nice to have, for once, a civilised boyfriend who is a fabulous company and easy on the eye.

Time went by nicely and my birthday party was to be thrown.
It was a Saturday. I just finished my buffet dinner with boyfriend and I left for the party before him. He was to join me after 1 am.


I was donning my red wig in the club's toilet, pretty early in the night.
I was one of the first to arrive.
I openned the toilet door at Rouge and guess who was right outside the door?

Captain Scary! All 6 foot of him, with a green T shirt that looked familiar to me and a grin that used to strike a chord within me.

He saw me and quickly picked me off the ground.

"Happy Birthday Baby!!!"




----




Oh shit!





_________



This is FATE!


You know???




Apparently, he came alone. I was shocked to death. My prediction came true. He just flew back that very morning!! He didn't want to sit with my friends cause he reckoned most of them hated him by now and he probably didnt want to feel awkward, he's not the world's most sociable creature.

But, he didn't leave either. Well, John Molina, the band's singer is his buddy. But John was clearly busy working. Captain was all alone.

I was getting worried. The bugger just stood in one corner with his Guiness bottle and stared in my direction. He stood in the corner for a good few hours. I was sure.

Everytime I checked, he would be looking my way, looking indifferent. Just paying attention, as if he was some kind of body guard watching over me.

I don't know what that was. He is one chap I'd like to put a HUGE "?" mark on.

In case you've lost track, Boyfriend was not there yet.

Captain finally gave up on me (I was too busy with my 20-30 friends who came and I wasn't in love with him anymore, so I wasn't that assed about him). SO he left after a few hours. And just nice, after he left, boyfriend came and everything went back to normal.


After the party, Captain seemed to be bugging my cellphone a lot, up to the wee hours of the night.

It was weird. But of course I had to ignore the calls. Why do guys always want something they cannot have? Or cannot have anymore?

Didn't they see it the last time? Can't they get it??

Why they only see it once it's gone?


Seriously.


That was not a nice thought.


So, more weeks past by and I thought everything would be just great.

But somehow, Captain had to sneak in and out of my life. All the bloody time.


I kept recalling those verses, "Let him go... stay clear.. or else,,, no prince charming.. no Mr Right... Stay clear...."

Having imbedded such an impact in my soul previously, Captain managed to lure me into traps.

One time, he told me he desperately needed my help for something. So I had to see him to help him something ridiculous which he probably lied about, that BASTARD. I just realised he was just making excuses to see me!!!!




One time, he would ask me :"Would you be my girlfriend?"

*Sigh...*

"I was lorr!! Once upon a time!"

I was really not in love with him anymore though I did have a soft spot for him. But, I was in love with my boyfriend. My feelings for Captain were kind of left with only 10%, most of it just emotional attachment and care. I was so so so badly in love with my boyfriend. He was all over my mind and he was #1 any time. Captain had no chance at all!!


But I also didn't know what to say, to not hurt Captain. So, all I could reply was:
"But Can I have many many boyfriends?" I was joking of course. It was a polite way of turning down, I thought.

He got angry, pushed me away, stood up and stormed off.


Another time came and this time, he asked me to move in with him. Telling me how he's started saving up, how he's cut down on booze.. blah blah....


How lah...

A bit late lah, dear.

Too lateeee.........!



---


Things with boyfriend got pretty bad after that. I suppose karma was playing its part. In a sense, I wasn't true to him. I was still in contact with Captain Scary sometimes. eventhough the reason was completely forgivable.


When things between me and boyfriend got really, really bad (to a point where everything he said were like spears aimed at my heart-- mostly because he couldn't love me anymore.. *wail*), I saw Captain occasionally. Like a form of escapism.
Instead of sorting things out after a bad, rough patch, I'd cry, run to Captain and 'punish' my boyfriend such that it will be easier for me to forgive him next time.



It's the most fyucked up analogy ever.


And it was mine.


So, true enough.
Fate took over.



To make things worse.

My mom came over to live.


I was finally given the chance to be a good daughter, to be a daughter I never was for the past one and half decade or so. It was a really nice opportunity to make up for loss time and all that.


Instead, I blew it. BIG TIME.


I made her upset. I was angry when she told me I needed Saving, that my life was screwed up. My pride was hurt. I rebelled and we fought and we fought. I even ran away from home. I made her very very upset.

That's it.

Karmameter dropped to zero already. No chance for me.


I screwed up. I am one evil screwed up jackass.


Finally, the Karma Wheel took action. It had to take the perfect boyfriend away from me. He had to stop loving me completely and I had to be upset for a week or so and cry many, many nights. I had to walk down alone again.

So, there went Mr Right. He came and went in front of my very eyes. It was mostly my fault. He was what perfection would mean to me. What a perfect boyfriend would be to me. But it's quite sad if the person doesn't think anywhere likewise in the end.

I spoiled my own destiny by doing the wrong things. Upsetting the people who loved me. Doing incorrect things. Being a nasty, selfish jackass. Being untrue. Being a liar. Being a jackass.



That's it.



I've been punished.


Now I'm mending my ways, paying my dues.
Gobbling down all the punishment.


The morale of the story is:


"Never screw things up, no matter how tiny or insignificant it may be or it may seem, cause it may really alter the rest of your life course, and for the worse. Always sort your priorities right and remember them. Mother comes first. People who loved you, whom you loved, who are truly dear to you, come first. Be more self-less and you'll go a long way. Don't think of ME ME ME ME ME ME. In truth. There is no such thing as Me, My , mine.... No such thing... All these do not exist. There is no 'I', no ME! no MINE! Stop being so Goddamned selfish!!!! And please... when got problem with your boyfriend, go and freaking sort it out, not run to some other tiger's mouth.. if maybe need to think, take a break, a clean time off, if not, then just fyucking end it. Don't try to find solace in unrightful places, just for your own piece of mind,. so that you can comfort yourself and think... "Hiks.. at least someone else still loves me..." so selfish! It's still about you isn't it? it doesn't solve shit. Stupid girls never grow up. Stupid girls like me will never end up with Mr Right. ... unless I grow up, be peaceful, selfless...nice"



Peace out!



I need to practice what I preach.
Or else, I am just as screwed as I always was.


I really need to take up meditation. I will again soon. I have not gone for a meditation camp for a decade, no wonder so restless, so tense, so directionless, so explosive, so selfish, so jialat!!!

Check out

www.dhamma.org

I am going for a retreat in Australia soon, maybe Sydney.

Best thing about it, it's that it's all free. And the place is beautiful.

I hope I'll find peace there. Happiness shall come from within. Heh.


----





And maybe Mr. Right.





Hur Hur..




So, I'm saying GOOD BYE to these men I loved before.






Here are me and Captain Scary..




Good times gone by.. That was so long ago.. Sigh...
May all the happiness in the world envelope you... *shit.. sounds like he's dying or something*..




Okay lah...





Peace out! For real...

Today must watch Ch5. I may be on telly =)

1. MY BIG FAT IDEA
Wednesday 28th 2006 at 7:30 pm Channel 5
MUST WATCH Channel 5 documentary about The New Waves (March and June)
next Wednesday. The program is part of a series on creativity in
Singapore, directed by our very own multi-prizewinning filmmaker,
Kenny Tan. Watch out for: Sim Siying, August Lum, Hawk Liu, Luke Kwek,
Esther Yang, Shahdon, Shaiful, Frederick Lin, Tanya Tan, Dominic Wong,
CC Leong, Hemang Yadav, Harsha Ramchandai, Adelynn Tan, Lance Dubos,
Ramkumar, Nurashikin, Siti Mastura, Aishah Mohd Noor, Dhaniah Suhana,
Chong Yi Han, Leslie Tay, Windson Liong, Marcelly Suhali, Ghazali
(Guz), Gavin Low, Peggy Ferroa, Paul Hannon, Philip Sim, Desmond Moey,
Wahidah, and others,


Ah.. so they interviewed us and all that about the musical we did at the esplanade.

If anyone got recorder , can help me record? Hehehehe..

Aite.....


Let's put up some nice pictures taken a few weeks back.

To make up for the ugly picture of my burnt calf.





This is Me and Violet babe.

She's the best girlfriend in the world =)


Below are pictures of me and the much sought after Beverly Morata who is cutting her own album now, I heard.

You must have last seen her at the previous Singapore Idol.




Me and Bev were singing at the Copthorne Waterfront's Piano Bar many many nights last month. It was so fun. I miss her already. She's damn wacky and game!




More Bev and me. We were in the toilet actually.



Beverly is super super funny by the way!




Last Saturday I replaced Imelda at the Paulaner. I loved singing at the Paulaner.
The people were so appreciative. They clapped and they cheered.

But the cheered even louder when the Germany WC game came on.

I forgive them lah. He he..


Okay..



Have a nice day!!!!


Btw, my wound's pink and red now, I think it's better. But it's getting itchy!


Har Har..

I AM GONNA SHOW YOU SOMETHING DISGUSTING

I BEG YOUR PARDON.

I NEED TO SHOW MY DIARY HOW MY WOUND LOOKS 2 DAYS AGO.



I ALMOST THOUGHT GOT MAGGOTS ON THEM..







Good thing Violet and mom forced me to see the GP, who was by the way, VERY HANDSOME!

Even my mom said so. Like mother , like daughter.


He bathed and cleansed my wound, which stank like raw meat, mom said.

He was so nice, ahh.. I am going back on Friday to see doctor again..


But now, it's kinda healing nicely. Still very painful when I stretch the calf or rub it against something.

It's also fyucking painful when mom cleanses it.

But it's red and pink and less pus-sy, pus-ly or however you describe moist-with-pus




Eh he he..

Today no nice picture.


Viva Argentina...!!!!


No?

Ultimately, ya strut down alone

What do you think my title means?


He He...



I am single again.


Like AGAIN.
(Boring news isn't it. It'salways about me, boy, no boy, boy, no boy)




Yep, I decided that cutting my whole hand off could be slightly better than chopping the finger off one by one slowly.

And I am cocksure this time I will strut down the aisle of singlehood for sometime.
Not window shopping this time. Boys make me too weak.


I realised that over break-ups, horns start to grow, hell starts to burn, acid tounge starts wagging and you'd realised that your love was very selfish all along.

All I was dying for was attention, loving and caring. I just wanted to do the couple things, dinner, movie, all that and he facilitated that.

I just didn't want to walk down the escalator alone, while watching some couple necking each other on the other side of the escalator.

Things like that.

I just didn't want to be lonely.

Obviously I had to be attracted to him and like his company too, else it's just gross.

So, was it love?

I know I gave a lot. I was dying to give too. I was giving and giving. I was obviously in love. Or in lust, whatever that really was. I am happy when I see him happy, hence I love to make him happy. In fact, I would do anything to please him. I would set aside time for him and I actually put my boyfriend at the top priority list (which was stupid but can't be helped), without exception.

To that certain extent, that was love.

But ultimately, it was all for me. It was all about ME ME ME.

Cause being in love made me feel good, being nice and loving made me feel good. Having responses make me feel good. On top of that,I expected something in return.
I expected on par treatment back, I expected attention and affection. I expected rewards, I would expect so many things. Is that love?

That's selfish.

That's like bribing.

Hell, corruption rules the world.

Right now, I think my ego is more bruised than my heart.

Of course I am sad. That's simply because I have grown an emotional attachment over time and I have to adapt to NOT be emotionally attached anymore. Get over it?
It's easier said than done. It's like parting with your favourite puppy, or your favourite Manolo Blahnik. Like that.

How to not be sad? I have feelings.

Over time, I developed feelings, I developed affection, I developed selfish love.
And it's all to be eradicated as soon as possible. Time heals everything. I just need a few drunken nights. =).

But Ego bruised, that's something else.
It's all about pride. It's not love cause love knows no pride.

Girls would start cursing and swearing at those boys who broke their heart and go :

"It's his loss!! He would never find another one like me! He will fyucking regret! His next girlfriends will all be fat, ugly, stupid, snort like a boar, stink like a skunk, look like a monkey and boring like a sloth"

HELL KNOWTH NO WRATH LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED.


What to do?

It's all about EGO, isn't it.

"How can HE not love me?" , "Who does he think he is???" . and stuff like that.

It's shitty and it's selfish.

Love is all a facade.


A SCAM!

Heh.



I cried for 2 hours before I went to sleep last night and it was the first time my mom was physically there for me over a break-up. It was nice.

She kept reminding me :


"Where there's a beginning, there's an end"

"Where there's a meeting, there's a separation"

You should have been ready to part the moment you guys meet.



Indeed.

I cried and wailed and screamed and at the end of it. I felt so blissful. Crying does wonders.

I am still blissful until now and I felt slightly guilty. Idiot huh?


But with my swinging-to-the-extremes-tendency, I might just dive to the down low by sunset.

But, let's hope not. Let's keep Marcelly chirpy. She wants to stay blissful.



Anyway. I have decided to release all these useless anger and bitterness, they only make me tired. It was never anyone's fault to start with. Shit just happens all the time.
It was not my fault and it was definitely not his fault.

So, I am all good.

I am cool , sorted and I am ready to walk my next path.

Watch me if I fall again, okay?





Oh yeah, my photoes.

Me and my kawai haircut =).



Here is me and bro...




More of me and him. We were on the way to Harry's to watch world cup last week.

Words cannot describe how much I miss him, now that he's gone back to Jakarta.



I think I cut my hair to throw away bad luck and to make a drastic change, to show the world that I evolve all the time. Nothing stops me, nothing saddens me.



I look sulky but I was really pouting.



kawaiii nee?


I have some photoes from last week. Since I am all good about singlehood, I can reminisce some pasts and be indifferent.


Clement and me went to Timbre last Saturday.

They were having this Indie night where the local bands play local songs.

There was this band called " The Local Bar Boys" and they were hilarious.
They claimed that they were Singapore's worst band and they were a karaoke band.

Such that, they have huge printed lyrics which stood at the side of the stage.
So that audience can sing along.




Funny? No?


Quite haspening what?

See?



They came to one of their last songs entitled " Caroline is an asshole or something". Maybe it wasn't the title but they were singing that throughout the chorus. Like many many times.

So, people had banners saying exactly that.



This is them.




The lead singer was quite funny. He is behind the lyrics stand. Cannot see properly. He looked, acted, dressed and sounded Jap-Korean to me. But apparently a local.
But they're a very entertaining band, overall.


For old time's sake.

This is me and Clem with our new hairstyles, at Timbre..





I look so chubby. He He..



Before I end, I scalded my calf the other day.






Thanks to Jackie's Chopper's exhaust pipe, which I said HI! to.

She said I am a cow for jumping on the bike like that, so maybe I deserved it.




It's FYUCKING PAINFUL CAN!!!
And it looks like some cao da prata.

But I am always good with withstanding pain. Especially physical pain.
I let my mind be aware of the sensation and stay neutral about it. It's a kind of meditation.

I am just scared that it'll leave a scar. Other than that, just a bit of hassle when showering or wearing skirt lah..



No biggie.



=).. Have a nice weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!


Cause I sure will..!!

Happy Fadderrsh Day

"FATHER'S DAY"


Wasn't it 18th June?

It was actually also my two(2) month anniversary, but since boyfriend does not give a hoot about time-wasting, money-wasting and boh-liao stuffs like that, I put the thought aside (actually saved me money also, don't need to buy pressie all) and went:

"Hey, It's Father's day this Sunday!!! I think I might still have a father!!"

After composing the greeting phrase for some time, I typed a text message and sent it to dad in Jakarta.

"It's Father's Day today in Singapore, So happy Father's Day!! Wish you good health always!"

Fuss free, to the point, simple and courteous. I couldn't type it the way I really wanted it. With pink coloured hearts and balloons and confetti. I wasn't exactly expecting a reply, though it would be nice.

Since, he's either busy with his perky KNNCCB mistress, or his business ventures, or counting his money, assets and debts or busy calculating how much his kids blew on the credit cards, or or just busy with his bruised ego and in the 'nursing his failed marriage' era.

I really wanted to say :" Happy Father's Day Daddy, I love you. I always will"

But I couldn't. Maybe it's my ego, maybe I'm shy, maybe I just don't wanna be disappointed of the response. I don't think he gives a damn either if I did say 'I love you'. Though my brother thinks he would.
My mom thinks that he would be "touching". She meant 'touched', really.
Mind her England, she's damn cute.

I was like :" He would be touching? Touching what??"

Mom:" Touching his heart lah.."

Bro Wit: "Nah, I think it's way lower than the heart".

May all these blasphemy and unfilialness and rudeness burn me and my brother in hell.

We say things we don't mean. So, I don't know. We are still angry with our dad but we know we still love him. We felt bad making fun of him. I mean, with all due respect, my dad is my dad and he's way cool and he's my DAD!!! HE IS !!!! GODAMNIT!!! WHEN IS HE GOING TO ADMIT THAT HE HAS 3 KIDS THAT HE HASN'T FATHERED FOR YONKS!!

Okay, fathered just sounds wrong, I didn't mean impregnate or what. I mean, you know what I mean lah. He's like a provider, or semi-provider, not exactly a father.

I wish he was a tyrant, a mentor or an abusive egomaniacal father who spanks the kids and drove them up the walls if the kids fail to be #1 in class. I wish he'd scold us for every little thing we do, like dirtying the couch or soiling our feet or burning our nosehair with his lighter, or for watching porn when underaged, or for running away with his car or for growing pimples. For absolutely ANYTHING!

Instead, he just doen't give a flying SHIT what we do at all. Let alone how we feel.
He probably doesn't know what I do, what I graduate with or what we like to eat, or what we are like, whether we have boyfriend-girlfriend, whether his one or two of his kids have turned homosexuals, whether they have turned into drug addicts, whether we've been jailed, whether we've died and gone to heaven a few times.

Maybe he does.

I don't know.

But if he is aware of any of these, he definitely didn't and doesn't show any response or concern.


If my memory does not fail me. I actually have a cool dad, or at least I used to have.
He was funny, he was wise, he was inspiring, he was multi talented, he was fun, he was interesting, he was awesome. Just plain awesome. Cool dude.

Dun the fyuck know what happened to all that.

By the way, he did reply.

A simple, courteous "Thanks".


So, that's that.




Okay, change subject. Before I jab down that sharp chopstick from lunch down my left neck (don't ask me why left side). Today I feel so fyucking unloved.

In fact, these day I feel so fyucking unloved. Just the other day, my brother slammed the cowboy door at Wrench Saloon in my face.

Nobody loves me.

I think you should know how sad and explosive I am a person by now. I am fyucked up to the nine. Aorrr..

Today I want to die.

In a minute I want to fly.

In an hour, I'd say the sun is shining..



Anyway.............




I tried Jerry's BBQ at Jalan Kayu with Crrrement last week.

Have you heard of Jerry's? They do femes, MEAN, FYUCKING SPICY buffalo wings.

Crrrement's been talking about it before we even got together, so we finally went. I think he's trying to tick off everything on the to-do list so that I'll finally free him. That sneaky rascal. (God, I don't want to love him, please free me!!!!)

Mr Brown talked about it as well-- read it here



I took some pictures (Fyucking painstaking to upload as the bloody blogger keeps hanging.. or something is wrong with this thanggg)
..

So whatever, no pictures lah, I tried to upload 10,000 times liao.

So, Just read their reviews lah , here's one by NTU.


Urgh...


The buffalo- chicken wings were hellish, devilish HOT.
Dunno why buffalo-chicken. Is it a special type of chicken or a special type of buffalo's wings?
Or would it mean the chickens from Buffalo, U.S.A.

*shrugs*

But, truly, madly, deeply very the spicy.

Really don't pray pray! I am Indon, I eat chilli as main dish and I was still close to tears, my lips were swollen and my eyes were twitching throughout.

Anyway, I told Clement that Jerry's wings were awesome.


I muttered: "Should take girlfriend here when arguing ah. Spicy until she sure keep quiet".

He answered: " Dont want lah. Skali she don't want to eat, will LOSE big time"


Heh heh. Why is he so smart all the time.


Anyway, I kept quiet most of the time that dinner. My mouth was busy blowing air in and out to chill the spicy air. Actually, that way, the sensation would be amplified, i.e spicier. It was a painful but exciting experience. I must say it was pretty addictive too. I think, naturally, those who love spicy foods are addicted to pain of some sort, because technically, that spicy sensation is categorised as pain.

**I have concluded that people who LOVE and cannot live without spicy foods, chilli, japalenos and hotx3 sambals, like me, are generally people who are risk takers, adventurous, romantic, addicted to pain to a certain extent thus unafraid to love and give all, and are prone to falling in love; in the style of falling off the edge of a cliff, if you know what I mean**

We da pao-ed some Jerry's chicken wings (Chef's Challenge) for bro, mom , Jac and Sham to try and they all KANNA the explosive treatment. Powerful sial..

Last but not least, I cut my hair liao. Very short. Very KAWAIII, on the verge of disgusting.
Gary thinks I look like a mop. My brother thinks I am a Jap wannabe who cannot make it, "It's just WRONG!!"
I think I feel even less of a woman. I am already how un-womanly. I didn't know things could get worse.
Mom did the 'I told you so' thingy cause she told me I would regret.
Jackie thinks it's okay, it's a big change though.
Crement was indifferent, just like how he is about a lot of things about me.

Broody heow.

Okay. No more wailing.

I will put up pictures of me with my new mop of hair.



And right now, I want to die again.

My mom is getting cheeky.

Everytime I wail to her :" Mom.. I want to dieeee.."

She'd go " What colour?"


Urgh...



I want to die..

Muah Muah Muah Muah

Saturday - 17th June is Irene Tiong's Birthday, my lovely lovely colleague. She's so cuteeeee..
She and Michelle make my life so much easier at work. Okay, Richmon too, though he is soooooo annoyinggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg............


Irene and I are crazy about learning French and Salsa nowadays.

I have been speaking to her some French phrases all afternoon, simple ones like Bon Jour, Bon Soir, Je vous sans prie and all that.

I wanted to look for the French phrase for Happy Birthday, but to no avail.

So I decided to say it in French accent lah..


Me: "Babe, I still don't know what Happy Birthday is in French, so I say Happy Birthday in French accent lah..

Irene: "Eh.. okay lor"

Me: " Haevvyy VershhDeeeyy"

Michelle then told me that I didn't really sound French, I just sounded like I got a few front teeth knocked off.

Umph...

So, I tried harder. I know Happy would be Bon, or whatever lah.. Like Bon Voyage all these.. can use lah..

I dont know birth but I know baby is enfant..

And day would be Jour..


So...

Me: " Okay lah babe, I say to you Happy BabyDay in French lahh."

Irene: " Ehh.."

Me: " Bon Enfant Jour.."


Irene: "Thank you.. " (incomprehensible smiles)..

Ocht well, I tried me best you know.
So, me iz want to learn sum French eh.
Not to get Frenchmen of course, coz they have huge ugly noses and horrible accent, but to sound romantic when scolding people...

Hehehehe..


"Darling, Mierde "


=)


He would smile back, wouldn't he?


Ahnyway, I went to Jurong Point with mom and bro a few days ago. Mom went to cut her hair real short and now she looks like she's 20 plus. Jiarat.

And I saw that Jurong Point was having this Ultraman show..


so, here is Ultramen show at jurong Point.

















They must be paid a lot.. to be clothed in steaming hot spandex-plastic costumes like that, walking around a stage like there's a durian up their ass and between the balls.






















My brother thought that if they don't walk like that, their balls might get squashed. I don't really want to know.

Anyway, the kids sounded happy to see them do silly things like that. Supposed that's enough for the Ultramen. To get himself redeemable for the paychecks. May be quite a lot leh. Very shiong job you know?

I guess I never really had this childhood so I didn't know such bliss.

We grew up too fast.

When I was really wee, we used to borrow a lot of Lazer Discs (yes, it was like 1980s), we would borrow from the Lazer Disc man who came by once or twice a week to our house in Jakarta.

Mom would borrow the cartoons for us. She would see the cover, see cartoon characters and borrow for us.

Nice.

Me and brother ended up watching this pornographis Japanese cartoon flick when I was 8 (or 9 or 10) cause mom didn't know it was Hentai. Heuhuehue..


We grew up fast but it wasn't our fault, okay. She screamed the moment she saw what we were watching, but the hentai was going towards the ending liao.. heheheh...

Aiyah, sooner or later will learn all these what... Donch Worry..



I took more pics with my iPaq the other day. I love it more and more. My life kinda depends on it liao. I think the day I lose it I will die, better insure first.

The amazing thing is all data and information are stored in a server, so if I do lose the handset, I can always recall the data from the server to my new unit. Voila!!!!



My baby , My iPaq...


















Ah.... So slick.. I am thinking of painting the cover or sticking those film/sticker on top of it, cost 30 bucks in those carts in shopping centre. Worth it anot ah???




Here's me and iPaqie babie..























So chio... *I mean the iPaqie.. *

The camera is actually 2 Megapixels..




















Notch bad .. can see pweety but cannot see pimples..

=)







what a nice day..



Time for sing-along-song....





Also,


I am thinking of cutting my hair short..
Like those cute Japanese manga heroines, with bangs and shaggy ends, ears covered and whispy back.


What do you think?

Cigarettes and Boys are Hell-sent

My mom has been here for about a week now. She came here to live with me, for the first time in 13 years and for the rest of my life if we both can help it.

It's been a rollercoaster ride. I was ecstatic yet nervous.
Mostly of the changes that are bound to hit my plate.
The moment she touched down, she already stopped me from buying 3 miserly cans of DUTY FREE Tiger Beer.

Mom was like a bull in China shop: "Who is it for??"

Me, defensive liar: "For Sham lah.."

Mom didnt believe: "Really ah. you cannot drink ah!!"

Me retaliating: "Wah lauuu leh.. one can of beer each won't die what..,"

Mom persisting: "Don't care.. give Sham ok! AWAS YAH!!!"


Wahlau we... Shiong! I foresee quarrels already... Jia lat.
I am going to live with a commander not a mother from now on.
She then forbade me from doing lots of other things, like staying over friend's house lah, going out at night lah, drinking beer lah.. and uh.. smoking. She even forced me to eat oranges in the morning when I was like sleepingggggggggggg...

First day, we quarrelled oredi.. me VS mom& bro. They put it across such that my life is fyucked up and I am the scum of the earth. She told me that she came to Singapore not to be with me. BUT TO SAVE ME!!!! WTF!! I need saving? Salvation ah? What's wrong with me?? I have to be crucified? I have to live in monastery?? After which then I stormed out of the house and didn't come home. Bad daughter. My bad. But she can't give me a massive culture shock like that lah. No one has told me what to do for more than half my life. She forgot I'm 25 ah! I am not 15 eh..And again, what's wrong with me? I am not some unemployed, unwanted, broke, kicked-out of school, drug-addict who's a parasite to the community what.

I just like to club sometimes. What's wrong with that?

She stepped into my room and sniffed around:

"YOU SMOKE AH!!!!!!!!!!!"

Sheepishly I spoke up, " Everyone in the house smoke, the whole world smoke, why you worry?"

"You know it's poison.. why you want to put inside your body???Why so stupid?"

Good point mom, I think I learnt that in secondary 1.
Anyway, I've made it a point to cut down on my smokes and not let my mom see me puff or smell any trace of cigarette. SO, yes, by default, I have cut down, hopefully finally I can quit too. It's getting bloody expensive. Crrrement hates cigarette smell too. Wait a minute, why am I talking about him again?
Anyway, I've decided to follow my heart and love sincerely, no matter what the outcome would be. It's stressful I tell you, but it's my decision. So, yes we're back together, at least for now. At least I am less misreable this way. I don't know and don't want to know what it'll be like in a week or month or year. But I know this is what I chose for now. I can't just stop loving someone, just because my brain and all logical entities tell me it's wrong. I am not a robot. On the other hand, I am a melancholic sentimentalist who gets jealous and insecure so freaking easily and yes, I am wailing again, this is disgusting.


Anyway, back to smoking. Smoking is bad. Sial lah... I also know.
I also want to quit. But it's hard lah. If you're a smoker, you'd understand. They're like my little tokens of joy nowadays, pathetic I know.

I know it's freaking bad, smeeererrrryyyyy and uncool too. So, yeah lah. Give me time.

Now, I can do away with 2 packs in a week, rather than one pack in 2 days, as per normal.

Don't count in clubbing or drinking days though. Those are exceptions.
Shit, I don't know if I can ever quit totally, I feel like smoking as I type, right now, my veins are playing tricks on me. I get this ticklish sensations down the chest and stomach, like they're calling out for nicotine...and tar and...smelly smokes...

These stupid cravings, I hate it. I feel like my life is dependent on those stupid sticks to attain packets of pathetic, superficial, temporaryhappiness.

Chey.


They have invaded my life. Like boys.

Aha!

To sum it all.......


Two things have successfully invaded my life : Boys and Fags.


I am officially pathetic. It's sad to think that these are the only two things that can make me happy. It's disgusting.

I should look and think again. I have so many things to be happy about. What was I thinking?

I can sing and dance to make myself happy. And of course my mom, my brother, my babes, my cool friends. They make me happy too. What was I thinking?


World Cup makes me happy too!!!!!!

Although yesterday I walked out the Korea-Togo game halfway, swearing all sorts of Indon-Hokkian-Chinese-English-Godknowswhatelse profanities.

Broodyy Heoww--Shibaa-KNN-DiuLaseng-Mencrettttttt


I lost a bet. Broody hell.. Why the Africans score so fast. They are supposed to score in second half. Fyuck.

I shall prep myself for England -Trinidad&Tobago this Friday. They better not let me down.
I need money sial. So I can quit working and be a meditating hermit for a few months, regain some senses , some brains, some sanity....some equanimity.. tranquility.... *yawn*



NOw I got a 1000 things to settle, new house, furnitures, mom's documents, visit pass, tenants, transfer of address... blah blah.. money... more money..more spending..more spending..... argh...

On top of that, I feel like jabbing a sharpened scissor down my neck every now and then.



.
.
.

.
.


Ergh..

.
.
.
.

No lah.

..

I am such a Drama Queen.

Heh heh.



.
.



Anyway, kinda looking forward to having a nice lovely home from now on. With mom around everyday and brother around every now and then. I will get to live the part of my life that's been missing for more than half my life:

FAMILY LIFE.

I have been living on my own, and haven't lived with my family for more than 13 years. That's sad yo! My house will be neater as well and food.. yeah.. glorious mom's cooking. I am gonna be fattttt...

My life will at least be more sorted. There will be more regularity and sanity.

No, no. It won't be boring.
Mom actually sipped my tiger beer and dessert wine the other day. Shhhh.. maybe she will be haspening too. I can be an evilangelist! Kekek.. argh.. wishful thinking.

Actually I don't think it'll be bad at all lah.
I will still have my fun, but I won't be so berserkish anymore.
I will puff much less, drink much less and do more happy-sober stuff.

Like... accompany her knitting. Or make noodles.

In fact, Crement may want to go rollerblading with me. Now, I need to win Friday match so I can get a new pair. =) Ah one more thing, I think it's time to stop talking so much about him sial. It's disgustin everyone and the more I dwell in all these, the more I amplify the sensations impacted, the sadder I get once shit hits the fan. Again.


I was thinking of summarizing the stories of the different types of boyfriends I came accross and their antiques. Interesting you know. Case of the ex-es. I shall write the essay.

Damn you guys out there!

=)

Don't worry, we will still love you.


=)



*Smile so much for fyuck*



=)


.
.





Maybe, I do need saving... *sigh..*

GSS MY ASS, MUSICAL and BIG ASS BakPAO

WHY IS IT BAD TO SHOP DURING GSS

GSS: GREAT SINGKAPOH SALE

More like Sibey Kaypoh Sale.

Thing is, all the shops are well aware of how many shoppers would be patronising all the shops during this time, regardless of a truly good sale. People would come to kaypoh loh..

"Why they queueing??? Let's go see see.."

They see people buying 5 shirts and they'd go :" Must be velly good bargain, we also go buy.."

OKay lor,.

So, they don't really have to go all the way and cut down their prices so that people will patronise their shops and buy a few stuff.

Customers will come flooding no matter what.

Coz, it's the SALE season! anyway!

When seriously, I don't find the bargains to be too amazing.
Most shops are NOT going at the lowest they can go. I know how low most can go sometimes.

They are only slightly cheaper, for the sake of being sporting and participative.
But, I wouldn't say it's freaking cheap or what.

Nevertheless, let's enjoy this commercially festive season. It's GSS.

There are some shops haveing better bargains than others.
Actually Courts SALE ain't so bad. Charles & Keith SALE is quite rubbish. 10%-20% is not SALE , you geddit?? It's cheating!

I want to see 70-80% !!!

Heh heh.


By the way..

The Musical I was in, LOVE IS IN THE AIR last Saturday was a success.. I was really happy.
We were commercially viable as well.
We were sold out most nights and the feedback has been great.
the rest of the musicals for The NEw Wave were all sold out and enjoying great reviews.. I think we are making wavessss!!!!

We were reviewed in yesterday's TODAY and they awarded us with 4 out of 5 stars.

NOT BAD AT ALL!!!

I was so happy..=)

Thank you for those who came to support.
Thank you to my lovely friends : Violet, Shiling,Sandy, Jackie and their equally lovely boyfriends, plus Decai too.

Thank you for the sunflowers, babies!!





My mom and brother were there and I hope my mom felt proud of me.












Here is me and Shahdon 'my hubby' of LOVE is in THE AIR.

Shahdon is an amazing vocalist.

Here is the very talented August who composed the musical.

BTW, I shall rip the DVD nd show some bits of the show on blog. Can someone tell me what's the HTML tag to display video clips???

SHANK YOIU!!!

August and me.

I have many more photoes but they were on everyone else's camera, so those ones gotta wait =)....

It was a busy but fulfilling weekend anyway.

There is one last thing.

I found a great new makan place.

------



BIG ASS BAK PAO AT BUKIT BATOK EAST AVENUE 3 HAWKER.

*




Crement and me went for breakfast one rainy day, sometime last week.
I saw this big ass bak pao when the uncle openned his bamboo steaming baskets (also big ass ones), I gasped..

" AH NE TUAAAA AHH??"


Heh Heh..

Very big bak pao...

Does it look big? It's huge lah. about 18 cm in diameter at least.

Compare with The chilli bowl leh, and the Clorets box. It's huge lah.

I had trouble opening my mouth to bite it.

You guys should go and check it out. Inside got meat, mushroom, egg, salted egg.. like treasure hunt inside, mang.


Bukit Batok East Ave 3 hawker okay! One of the newer food court, can't remember the exact name though.

See ya!!!!

It's sunshine everyday!

Screw the downpours...!

Heh

Oh mah gut.

I am single again. What the heow..

SillyCelly got O.D!

I must admit.

I am a drug abuser. I had a Drug Overdoze. Yes.
Sue Me.

I've been having this most irritating coughs and sore throat ever, maybe it has to do with me singing too much and rested so little. My voice box has been hovering over 50-65% of goodness in health condition for weeks already.

Clement being his sweet self, gave me what he felt was a very good cough syrup. Much better than those plastic bottled ones from the GP.

The Cough syrup was Rhinathiol

It has English instructions on one side and French on the other.
I couldnt wait to try it. I just wanted to get well.
So, I read the instructions quickly:

Adults: 3 to 4 spoons..

So I got the little 5 ml plastic spoons out and gobbled down 4 spoonfuls.

I did this every 5 hours, so that's about 3 times a day. The normal procedure.
This was last Saturday afternoon.

In the evening I was singing at the Copthorne's Piano Bar with Beverly Morata ..

I have taken some pictures with sexy Bev actually, will post when I have time =).

After a few songs, my mouth, throat and everything else just decided to fall asleep.
I could hardly lift up my eyes, they felt like tonnes.

So, on impulse, I took out the cough syrup packaging and reread the instructions again.
Once I finished re-reading it, I had to send Clement a text message:


ME: "I think I know why my eyelids become 10 tonnes heavy. I've been taking Rhinathiol 3 spoons each time, I just reread, it actually said 3 spoons a day!"

Clement: Heh? Were you reading the French instructions??

Me: No, just never read properi.. now too high and sheh oleli....too ladee..


Thank goodness for tea and coffee and nicotine. Else, I would doze off on stage, I am sure.

The effect lasted for 2 whole days. I was sleepwalking throughout the whole of Sunday as well and I swear cough syrup works better than prozac sial!!!!!!!!!!


Sure will sreeeppp...



I've been reading this gadget forums to technify myself a liddle bit, since I bring around such a sophisticated iPaq 6929 everyday, nowadays.

Read the discussion here..
http://www.ppcsg.com/index.php?showtopic=76934


Interesting... So, 02 no good huh? Any takers????


Anyway, I TRIED MY PRINTER OLEADY!!!!

The cute HP baby..



I sent the pics from my HP using blue tooth, it was fuss free and real fast.



The photoes that came out were not bad at all. I printed many many pictures to give my friends.. =)






And here is Violet Tang again.


It's random, but I love her. You know that, doncha?




AHH YES!! THE WORLD CUP IS COMING!!!!

HOw timely is it???


Now people don't have to really care about my cute friend Jonathan Leong and the bitchy piece of poop Geraldine in Singapore Idol liao..

Ooops.. did I say bitchy?? Did I say poop?
She's the arrogant one who goes around saying.."Hi! I'm the singapore Idol Finalist!!"

Man, she irks me off big time.



But GO JON!
Still owe you one from Halloween party.. oh goshh...
Have you seen him in his Halloween costume??

Man, I have it somewhere in my pc. I think I uploaded before. But you probably didn't recognise cause he was the bunny from Alice in Wonderland, complete with the big ass grandfather alarm clock, ears and red nose!!!



Aite peepzzz....


Catchya lata...



Muax Muax...



It's raining today... again.

But it shall always be sunny inside of me.. =)


Mom is coming tomorrow.. La LA Laaaaa...