Toxic Hate

OKay,

let's try embedding videos now.

Here was a clip of me and my babes dancing to TOXIC and I hate Myself For Loving You for a function, more than a year ago.

I bet you can't spot me.

The chamelleon woman

I was brought up on this issue recently.


"Celly, how come you look so damn different in every pictures ah?? Like a totally different person leh.."


"Is it???" I acted blur.

Sometimes I think I am ugly, sometimes I think I am pretty lah. But that's about it.
I wish Monday I can look like Jolie, Tuesday like Maggie Q, Wednesday like Giselle, Thursday like Catherine Zeta, and Friday.... when I need to look best, I wanna look like Nadja Hutagalung.
Saturday I can look like my mother cause she's so chio, then Sunday since I hardly go out at all (unless to meditate), I can look like myself liao..

Sounds like a plan...



Heh?



Well this was me acting cute.




stupid celly...



But this is me acting disgustingly cute..




this , I suppose, is as stupid lookin as i can get...


Do I look like the same person in the two photoes?


How about this one?




This one is just purely disgusting...
But maybe can pass as my Jolie look man.. the lips halfway there..



As if it can't get any worse, below is a photo of me while watching those damn tear jerker K-drama series...

Yes lah. I was crying and stupid me wanted to see how ugly I was when I wept and wept...








This is sad looking in every sense of it man..

SAD!

Fyuckin ugly.. hahahaha... by the way, there were tears on the cheeks okay!
I cant believe this..

People put their prettiest pictures on the blog, I put my ugliest.. heck lah..

But you see... I look different in all photoes liao huh.. maybe my friend got a point..


To cheer myself up again.. to tell myself..actually I can look quite decent lah..
Dress and doll up a bit.. then pose like camera whore...




This is the dreamy look.. or looking and drooling at a yandao look..oh.. and damn wayang man... I was going up for a ge tai performance or wattttttttttt.......




This is my la mei look.... or the pin lang xiao jie look... in Singapore context, maybe the Tiger girl look sial..



This is the wannabe-a-mohdel-but-cannot-make-it look.

Let's just thank heavens I am not a model, well, since my calves are as big as the papaya I ate for lunch, might as well lah...

Below seems to be my favourite blur look..





lidis better......


Now, below are the chioer takes... less embarrasing..

this is the mommy's girl look..




And whooopie, she looks like her mom ... many people said so anyway..




And this one is my sexy Jap look. LOL
At least not those irritating KAWAI girl look can..
This would be Namie Amuro wannabe look..



And of course.. all these many faces...all yucky, ducky or yummy, sunny.... come from a source..

She co-produced me and she's the most gorgeous woman in the entire bloody universe..





Ah... at least to me and a couple of us... she is..

MUAX....



Anyway, the last 3 photoes were taken at the Esplanade..
I brought mommy to watch the much talked about musical...- Forbidden City..

And since she loved Cabaret so much the last time.. I thought she would love it.

She was so excited I tell you. I even made her doll up..she changed her clothes 3 times, mind you!






But alas, the lovely lass fell asleep on her seat after the intermission.


"EH!!!!!! CHIO BU!!! You don't fall asleep with your 70 bux for 3 hours seat in the Esplanade can!!!!!!!!!!!"


She then apologised and sat up. She watched the rest of the show lah.. but her eyes only shone on with 5 Watts.

Poor momi.

Actually we loved the first act. At the end of it, when Kit Chan found her little boy, running towards her, both of us started weeping like little girls..

Crying rivers of warm tears.

You see, we're very well trained by the bloody K-dramas liao. One sad scene and there we 'd go....cleaning our make-up with our salty tears...




Ah.. anyway... Jon lost the Singapore Idol today...Hmmm.. a tad sad.

Well, Congrats to Hady, I mean.. man.. Hady can sing!
Though so can Jon lah.. but prolly not as powderful.

But Jon looked so handsome on Sunday!!!! Brodddyy Helll... I almost fell in love...

... I didnt remember him being THAT handsome when we were back in NUS leh.

I mean, yes yes.. he's always been handsome.. in fact his handsome model friend Daniel, who hooked me up with him used to tease me.. "It's the lips right? You like the lips right??Damn sexy right???"

Oh well... I think Jon will make it DAMN BIG in this region.. with his low, sexy voice, with his handsomeness and most importantly with his lips...

I think I wet my pants in the Kallang stadium that day man.

Hahahaa..

Aiyoh those lips.. I'll eat it for breakfast and lunch and dinner anytime...

Anyway, I thought of standing in front of the stadium early, look out for those screaming Jon girly groupies... and maybe I can sell them his phone number for $50,000 each.


Ha ha..

but I didn't lah. I stil got integrity can!!

.. But oh, $50,000 would have been handsome too...


Okay, I am digressing.. It's time to sleep... Congrats again to Hady.. he rocks!!

And to Jon.. man you don't need the bloody title to go far. Jon is gonna be the next Jay Chou, rocker style.. or something... !!! His lips are gonna be more famous than Jolie's soon.

And don't you think history just repeats itself? With Taufik and Sly, now Hady and Jon?

Aite,

Folks...

Good Night and Good Luck...

And Goodie.. Hady & Jon

Ah.. those lips...



Ok ok.. good nite..

Say a little prayer

Mom was on phone with Wit and Win, my lovely brothers who are in Jakarta last night.

Win told mom that he sort of ransacked my dad's room (which used to be my room) and found a few interesting things.

My stuffs, my childhood toys, drawing books, books, dolls, blah blah were still everywhere.
He also has this little altar with all the prosperity God, Guan Gong (I think), money making God statuettes, joss sticks and candles.

I used to mock at him a lot, telling how all the prayings he does will NEVER do him any good if his conduct, behaviour and practices are totally not in concordance with the preachings. You can't seek for happiness and rewards through mere prayings. That's BS. It's the action that matters.

And yes, that was how he started loathing me I suppose, cause I always tried to be the wise little daughter, pointing out his band points. For a man with such status and such ego, he must have been insulted, provoked. Thus, our bad terms.

However, Win found that under öne of the statuettes, pressed underneath, was a photo of me.

Yes, a photo of me when I was in secondary school.


No other photoes, but a photo of me.

Only got my photo on his altar and no one else's!!!!!!!!!

*sigh*


This made me ponder.

My dad has been including me in his prayers, maybe it's his way to make up for all the wrongs, lost time or things he didn't get to do, or feelings and emotions he didn't get to express.
Maybe he still loves me. Heh. Maybe he's praying so that I will never forget him and will always love him.
Or, maybe he prays for my happiness too, like me to him.
Or maybe..


Okay, I am going to tear again.


Laterz peepz.

Of Love, Feelings and Siewmay

Guilty!

I have been watching more and more Korean Drama Series. After "Samsoon", there was " Marrying a Millionaire" and then "Princess Hours"... Henry is gonna lend me "My Sassy Girl Chan Hyung" and I am doomed, I do not have the strength to refuse.

(Anyway, Henry urged me to write a bit about him in my blog, and maybe mention many good things about him such that chicks will flock over to his side. That married Beng. What audacity!!!!! But since he reads my blog regularly maybe I can give him this royal pardon =), especially cause he's so nice and funny also, but I hope he doesn't push his luck)


Day in, day out. All I've been doing is sit in front of the telly, with hair in an alarming chaos, face oily and spotty, T-shirts I've been wearing from the day before, with legs unepilated, yah yah.. hairy legs, hairy eyebrows, hairy everywhere.. piles of emails to send out from the bloody tray, piles of dirty dishes in the sink, a lot of pending items in the procrastinator's long list, a lot of shits to clean up..a lot of people to meet... but guess what I've been doing instead..

SIGH

Stupid Korean Drama series... should be banned.

I'd be crying, then laughing, then crying, then laughing..then crying... then laughing... for 6 hours straight between lunch, dinner and sleeping time (which is very late) in front of the telly.
..

I am a telly veggie...Henry asked if my eyes have becomed squarish liao..

I am a horrible sight to see at home nowadays.

Horibleeee... somemore the way I plop down in front of the telly is so chor lo and
unsightly. If my dad had seen the way I lazed around dthe living room mat, he would have been ashamed to have a daughter like me as well.
Sometimes I'd curl my legs around my mom's waist, sometimes my head would be on her lap and my left leg hugging the table, sometimes both legs on the table, sometimes I'd probably look like I was practising some out- of- this- world yoga.

I must tell you that being in front of telly for so many bloody hours each day is not that easy. feet cramp also leh. Somemore I got no sofa, it's a thin mattress with pillows. It's quite sian one lehh.. but somehow I just gotta sit there.. watch one more episode.. and one more.. and one more..

One position is not enough. Gotta be creative, or else I'd become a complete vegetable. SO I ended up with a lot of creative but unsightly positions. Sometimes I'd bring my bolster and sarong out too. When I wear my sarong around my shoulder, they'd say that I was a security guard on a night watch in some kampung. Hahaha ( Hansip ngeronda boo..) ...

Nowadays, I throw less crumpled newspaper to the telly screen. Instead, I use up a lot of tissues, both for wiping my tears and for wiping the telly screen after I kissed and hugged it several times.


Eh heh heh.


Women are crazy fellas, man.

So, Franco asked me the other day. Why did you like watching it so much?
And I said.. cause i get to cry and laugh and cry and laugh all the time..

Then he told me : " Might as well get one friggin bastard, screwed up boyfriend and you will also cry and laugh, cry and laugh what!!"

We women must be deranged psychopatch who are complete suckers for emotional rollercoasters and elaborated dramas, eh!

We also complain that the guys are mean to us and all that, but I think we're asking for it. We're so emotional it's dangerous, at the edge of the precipice liao leh.

I wish I can be less emotional and more rational for once. Life would be safer, less painful, but sadly less exciting as well.

Though at other times, I am glad I am that deranged psychopath who crave for emotional rollercoaster.

All bad memories and scars of the past evolve into meaningful lessons and beautiful experience over time. This is one way to live our lives to the fullest I suppose.


I guess, there's always 2 bloody sides of everything.

It's a matter of choice in the end. Eh?



On a lighter note.



Here comes more food... glorious food.....

You know how the Indons make, cook and eat their siew may???

Ours is not just the boring one kind, with wrap-around skin and carrot shred on top.

We have so many !!!!




Indonesian SIOOO MAIIII

Got the ones where the meaty bit is attached to half potatoes, got bittergourd, got lettuce, got egg, got tofu....

nicee...




Siomay kacang sauce

Ah yes, we eat them with kacang sauce and KECAP MANIS!





TA DA!!!!!!!!!


Die Die must try...

Anyone who want to order gotta order at least 50 siewmays though. Hor?





Ahhh... weekend again...


Rainy weekend again...


How nice if I can cuddle up all day and watch more Korean Drama Series..

Hahaha.a. eh no no no.. I am stopping for awhile. For a week.
I gotta be productive for a week before I embark on my next telly veggie era.

I gotta bring back bacon, else cannot also rite...... (shit my English damn jiarat)






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Gays and Glees

The above title is actually a novel I started writing years back, when I was still a naive young woman with big, ambitious, sometimes ridiculous dreams. I still am the latter actually.


So, I re-read it again today. Heck, let's just cut and paste one of the pages. I have about 30 pages done, but most of it, when re-read, sounded really corny, silly and shallow. I don't know.



Anyway, here's page 12, bleah..


"-----Gays and Glees-- page 12


Then, I had nowhere to go. I thought of Jack. I hadn’t seen him for two years. I wondered how he was doing, if he was still single, if he would still think about me sometimes.

Then I thought of my crazy affair with Abdul, and felt great shame though I didn’t quite understand why.
I silently wished Jack wanted me back. I took out my photo albums and spent awfully long hours looking and staring at the yellowing, dog eared photoes, then crying and wailing over them. We were so great together, his parents loved me. I hated his brother but that didn’t seem too relevant.

I wondered what went wrong. Then I remembered. I ditched him. I ditched him for freedom, time and opportunities. I ditched him for a whale of time with Abdul.
I deserve to be punished. And the it struck me, I ditched him for a mirage.
A freaking mirage!
I couldn’t find his number in my phone book or hand phone. What have I done? Eradicating him off my life completely? Was I dumb or what?
I pushed Jack Wang out of my life, now I want him back and Holy Goddesses, I want him back bad. We all know that affairs of the heart is inexplicable. We shall let wind take us to flight and lead us. But when there was not much wind, like then, I had to find ways of taking off on my own.

I started packing skimpy tops, bikinis, hot pants and my tanning lotion spray.
I took out five hundred quids and boarded the indirect train to London.
The train ride seemed to be testing my patience, not only was it taking so unbearably long, stopping at numerus stations no one has eves heard of, but it was so congested to the brim too.
I couldn’t prop my tired long, nicely waxed legs onto the seats opposite me. And the people next to me were this achingly kind old lady who kept going on and on about the vegetable plantation she left behind for a week, and this thirty-something year old fat ass whose butt was taking half my seat and whose snore was drowning the old lady’s sincere stories.

All I wanted was some peace, sometime on my own, to think, to wonder, to ponder, to want, to want the right things. I thought of home then, I should be heading towards Hull, and not Southward to London. My forgotten family, my always-there family. My loving mother, my loving father. The mother I have let down and the father I have wronged. The brothers I have almost forgotten. New members I wouldn't have a clue about. I was a disgrace to my family. I haven’t been home for god knows how long and I haven’t done them proud at all. I dated my childhood love and left him for a fit bloke, I dated the fit bloke then drove him to homosexuality. Sorry, I still couldn’t over that freaking bizarre fact.
I took out my cell phone and dialed home. It took me six tries in fifteen minutes to finally reach the right number.

My mom picked up and she sounded somehow so familiar I almost cried there and then.

“Casey, you’re still alive!” Expected.

“Yes Ma. How’re things back home”

“You know things back home is always good, only you are not. You are never here. You don’t know the damnedest thing”.

“I am coming home soon, Ma. Will call you again soon, ok?”

“Your next 'soon' will be when I board the old folk’s home dear. Let me call you. What’s your number again?”

“ No, I promise I will call soon. Like in a week. You will still be at home.”

“If your one week is my one week, then yes! Tell you what, don’t bother calling, just get home.” She paused then continued, “Okay you may call me to ask for the address I suppose”.

I chuckled lightly, shamelessly.

“Yeah, I will do that mom. Love you”

“Sure. Bye bye now” then she hang up.

I couldn’t believe she hung up on me. I looked outside the train windows. The sky was gloomy, showing signs of rain. I started crying. I cried helplessly and chokingly.
I made the fat ass wake up and the old lady stop telling her story. I cried until I reached Paddington station a zillion hours later.

London had a different air. So different. I felt alienated. It has been at least a year since I was last here and it already looked like a place I have never been to before.
I walked around the block and boarded a Bed &Breakfast lodging lamely called “The House of Roses”. After arguing with the receptionist for half an hour, he agreed on 20 quids per night with no breakfast.

“Just Bed?” The Pakistani man snorted.

“Yes, no breakfast”

“This is Bed and breakfast, my love”.

“Don’t call me your love and I don’t want no breakfast!”

“ We give breakfast free”

“No, you don’t, it costs about a fiver and you’re gonna give me a 5 pounds worth of discount coz I don’t eat breakfast for the love of god”, Casey was well animated, complete with the five fingers display mid-air, to ensue he knows its 5 freaking quids.

“You don’t talk god to me. You don’t know god. Look at ya!”

“Just give me the room for 20 quids, will you?”

He looked at me with disagreement but he relented in the end. I strode up the dinghy staircases and fumbled with the bulky room key. It said 325.

I had no idea where to start. Where could Jack be? If he is still at King’s College then there would be the hay where I would find my needle. Else, there’s no hay. And I would have to head to Hull and call my mom. After resting for awhile on the hard, musty-smelling bed, I took the underground to King’s College and loitered around the institution for a bit. No signs of Jack Wang at all. To my dismay, everyone seemed to be English or Eurasians or Indians.
I sat down at their terraces and had a fag break. I have never felt so lonely in my entire life. Surrounded by so many people and I felt like the only person alive in the whole God forsaken universe. I took a deep puff and stood up. I looked around the premises one last time and left for Leicester square.
-
The Chinatown had not changed. Always crowded, always commercialized always full of people, this time most of them Chinks. I went inside the amusement centre “play2Win” and thought how wrongly named the place was. Sitting on one of the high stools, bending over a jackpot machine as if looking for secret codes on the glass screen was Jack Wang, unmistakably Jack Wang was hitting the tiger machines. His hair looked disheveled, as if uncut and uncombed for months. He was wearing a familiar looking sweatshirt and a very loose baggy cargo pants. So loose, I could see his cheap “Made in China” looking boxers as he bent over.
I was thinking of a first sentence. What do you say to someone you used to love and haven’t spoken to for a long time?
I stood next to him and watched him play. I didn’t realize he wasn’t alone until a girl in flashy “PRADA” top stood up and propped her arms around him.

“Jack, you’re still losing big money? When are we going for dinner? I am so hungry I can eat you up” The girl whined in Cantonese.

“Why not let the girl eat huh? She looks like she hasn’t eaten for a few good years!” I half yelled, in English.
I didn’t realize I was so full of angst. But I did tell the truth about her looking like a chopstick in famine.
Jack turned around and gave me a familiar shocked, flabbergasted face. Like the ones he gave when he found out I lied to him, or when I told him jokes he couldn’t laugh at. He was still gaping for air when I started our first conversation in two years.

“Can’t believe you become trashy like this after I left you, Jack!”, I almost resented the arrogance in my voice.

“Casey? What the fuck are you doing here man?” I thought that was sweet, just sweet. What the fuck was I doing there? I didn’t fucking know.

“I sailed seven seas to search for you Jack” That wasn’t really me saying, I was mentally slapping myself right after even thinking of vomitting those words out.

“I missed you, Jack. I wanted to see you. Is that so wrong?” I finally began.

“Well, you are a damn fat ass now Caz, what do you want me to do with you?” He looked me up and down, rudely. His eyes red and twitchy. I suspected he was not sober. “You wanna do dinner? Haven’t had dinner with you for a long time.”

“What about me?” The chopstick girl spoke up, whose existence was temporarily forgotten.

“You go home girl. Go get dinner from Hugh or something”, Jack said patiently. She snorted, turned her heels, made a few steps and maneuvered to return to the same spot.

“You are so annoying!” She screamed in Cantonese. “I should have dumped you a long long time ago! You bloody bastard! I hate you!” With the last phrase, she swung her expensive Louis Vuitton hard leather bag across Jack’s head. With that, she strode out with her head held up high.

“Oh! You go gurlll!” I smirked as she left, complete with the wriggling index finger in the air and the ghetto slang.

“Let me get at least a tenner out alright? I haven’t got a quid to buy duck rice”

Jack said, with his eyes still glued onto the money-eating machine. Looked like the hit in the head hasn’t affected him at all, a common incident I presumed.

“Why not let me pay for dinner and give you cab money to get home?” I suggested.

He looked up and smiled. He actually smiled. He stood up and started groping into his pockets.

“Five bloody one pound coins. Okay let’s go!”

We went to Mr. Aw’s 4 pounds per person buffet, cheapest bet for semi free-loaders like us. I couldn’t help but keep staring at this bloke in front of me. Who is this lad in front of me? Who is this Jack Wang?

The conversation was polite and decent initially. But then, we both got into our crappy moods and we were bitching and talking completely nonsensically.
He was telling me how he was almost expelled from King’s and how he was then struggling to get back on track, how his brother almost killed a guy during a fight and how that had almost blew him over. He talked, then I commented, then I talked, then he talked, then I snorted, then he laughed then he talked again. It was never ending. There seemed to be a million things to say, to utter, to express, to ooze out, to reveal, to admit, to deny, to counter, to comment, to add on, and to get them over and done with. I told him how I moved on, how I had Abdul and lost the bugger to a gay albino. I told him about all the mishaps, the joys and the miseries of being far from him. He reciprocated politely, vigorously attempting to formulate his answers into a structured manner, as if writing his thesis. So far, everything that’s been said was easy-listening and superficial. It seemed that we were telling each other stories that had no motive or meaning behind them. I was getting impatient and annoyed at the way the conversation was going.
Jack was in the midst of telling me about his sexual escapades and the skirt chasing and the overwhelming responses to them when I blurted out the most inappropriate phrase of the day, especially over oily wantons and fried noodle.

“I want you back Jack” There I went, out in the clear.

Jack took a big bite off his chicken wing and started to chew vigorously. He looked outside the window, into the pavements and at the Londoners rushing by.
He took another bite then started to speak, with his full mouth.

“Yew came ol’ tha way ‘ere do dell me veez?”

At least that was how it sounded. I nodded anyway.
He took another big bite then left the table for the umpteenth round of food.
He stuffed his plate with what looked like six or seven chicken wings and plopped down like he had excess baggage.

“You know you are way too fat now Caz”, he was indirectly pointing at my arms and stomach. “But, you look healthy alright, have you been eating well? Okay, that’s one stupid question.” He started to eat again. One big chunk of pork rib into his gigantic mouth. “Yew shear yew know wade ya doing mate? Coming ol tha way ‘ere end toad me that?”

We had an abrupt silence after that. I looked at my half eaten beef briskets and felt nauseous. I took out a cigarette and started to puff profusely.
I am fat. Now he thinks I am too fat. I am one fat ex girlfriend who is crazy and stupid and silly enough to travel all the way down South to ask him back. Where is my brain when I need it? I should have just gone to Hull and at least acknowledged my existence to my dear family.


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buahahahahhaa...

So how.. last time, I was an aspiring writer or not?

Maybe can at least write children's books , no?
Maybe not, My mind is quite in the gutter sometimes.





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Constructive Comments would be appreciated. But grammar corrections not really. =)


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Should there come a day...

I was browsing through the photo albums that my mom brought from Jakarta recently.

In fact, recently, I browsed through it a whole lot, hardcopy photoes still have the ability to tug at one's heart string, slightly more than e-photoes.

I've been reminiscing extensively.

Good old days,

Jolly.. jolly good old days..

You know...

Great happy family, rich nice dad, lovely mom, big house, lots of holidays, lots of expensive eat-outs... lots of laughter....lots of joy...

I miss them a lot. A lot. A LOT.

Sometimes I wonder why God has stopped giving me such good life. But more often than not, I'd remember the answers and I would stop asking.

The very one person missing in those albums is my dad himself.
Seems like mom has taken most of his photoes out and thrown them somewhere. When I found these little photo stickers of him and me, taken donkey years ago. I was smiling to myself. He looked so blissful. Even my mom said so, his smile was brimming with pride and love.

I miss him the most.


I still have his passport photo glued onto my laptop screen. Him, slightly smiling, looking slightly sad. I can't remember how I got this photo, but when I found it recently, I've kept it close to me and now he's half-smiling back at me from the bottom right corner of my screen.


I know that he was never the perfect father, he may have lost his way and he may have forgotten his responsibilities. But I no longer blame him for tripping over the darned bumps...for accusing me as the reason why his business went turtle, for calling me a bastard, for refusing to feed me after my first year in Oxford, refusing to put the family first and satiate his own selfish needs instead, and for repeatedly claiming that we three are burdens to him. I no longer blame him for doing what he did to mom, like when he stopped loving her and when he refused to give her a single cent after that, though admittedly, this was the hardest one to forgive, of them all.. I no longer blame him for not being able to show his love at all anymore. I no longer blame him for tearing the family apart, for not letting me to have even a simple, proper family dinner ever again.

These are just facts now. Parts of life I just had to battle with.

Though hard. But hey, I didn't lose.

It's all over now. Why bother brooding over?

Up to the point where he lost his way, he was still a pretty amazing father, he used to love me wholeheartedly. I know this. He used to really, really love me. I know how proud of me was. Then, he was still that funny, generous, wise, cool, respectable, talented, fun, smart father I really looked up to. And these.. are things I definitely have to pay my dues for. He is my father. He is still my father, no matter what. I owe my life to him.

And now even more so, cause he is lost in his own darkness. I wish I can reach out to him. I am damn sure that he is now missing the good old life too, us as a family.. he's just too damn proud to ever admit it. If there is one thing I'd like God to give him, would be his sanity, integrity and responsibility back. *sigh* That'd be three things.

Also, I know that husband snatchers, especially those stupid Indon skanks who stole people's hasband with vodoo shites, will fyuckin go to hell. You hear that? Your place is fyucking reserved next to satan. Assholes. You didn't mar and ruin the life of just one person, you wrecked the whole family!!! You selfish byitches!!!!!!!! Fyuck, I am swearing again.. I wish I can just take a sniper and shoot her fyuckin head. But I know I won't. *SIGH....*.. I also have to forgive her, or them, I don't know. Somehow... It's a must. Must forgive.. must accept..must forgive..On the way.. yah yah.. more meditation camps first.. Hmm.. how come mom gets there first?

She's amazing.


These must all really pass, ... go through my friggin system and outtt.. out outttttttttt completely. I am not gonna just squeeze it and stuff it somewhere in me and let it become cancerous. I am not just gonna put a front. These must all really pass. Eh?

Make love, not war.




I hope there will come a day... (and yes, Marcelly, you must make it happen...)

When I can return to Jakarta and say these words to him:


"Daddy, here are your gold cards, I've stopped using them completely. I'd like to return them to you. I'm very well taken care of now. I 've made something out of myself. Thank you "..

I would take out the cards, put them on his office table and at the same time, I would take out an envelope and a box..

"In this envelope is a little bit of something for you, it's a cheque, the amount may never compare to whatever love and effort you have poured for me when I was much younger, but this is something you might want to use... (in my heart, I would hope and pray that he won't abuse this money and give it to his stupid mistress (es?) )... In this box.. is.. quite a nice watch. I know you don't wear watch much, but maybe that's because you didn't have this one.. I hope you like it.. You like Patek Phillipe, don't you? I didn't know what else to get you.. I hope you like it.."

I don't know what his reaction would be by then.. but I would continue..

"All these years that we've spent very far apart.. physically and emotionally... I've never stopped loving you. I was once an angry daughter, angry because I was disappointed, not because I hated you. But you know I've forgiven you very long ago. Maybe it was both our ego and foolishness that separated us so badly.
But I know that, no matter what, you are my father. And I am your daughter. I love you and I always will.
I don't know what paths life will give us, or what surprises will give us.
But I don't want to be too late to say all these.. I've been meaning to say
them for very long. And I'm glad this day happenned"


I really hope that he will give me a tight hug. He hasn't given me one for at least a decade.
He is in my prayer most nights... I only wish for his happiness, good health.. and pray that he would someday soon return to the enlightened path..


"Daddy, I miss you more than you can imagine. You have no idea how many times I've tried to say how much I love you but my pride and daftness would stop me. You have no idea how many times I wanted to hug you back in Jakarta but never dared to. I really, really don't want to be too late to show you...."

I hope you have a good night tonight, and every night.



Good night everyone..

I'm gonna hug my mom to sleep. She just dreamt of dad last night.





(Maybe I should just make some little bird tell my dad about this blog entry, there..)

STOP or My MOM will bomb!

Bleah =)

I donch know what she ate, I donch know what she did, but my lovely marder has been having turmoilic problem with her liddle tummy. ( Ed: turmoilic?? got such word meh?)

I was watching "Marrying a Millionaire" , a Korean Drama Series of course, as usual. But mom was not very friendly leh. She let out fierce methane gases at very high frequency.

I almost fainted. So, I made her go to the kitchen each time she needs to launch another bomb.

"Hold the valve, go kitchen then let go the throttle, ok?? Please lorr.."

But she was damn cute lah.. heuheue.. eh.. human nature okay? Nothing to be ashamed of.

This reminds me of my primary school days, back in Jakarta and in Singapore.

I was once an ugly kid. Very very fyucking ugly.. (In fact.. I should scan my old-old once upon a time photoes and post them here... would be interesting eh? But i got no scanner lehhh.. somebody lend meeeee..)

Me, Skinny, skeletal like, short, airport-chested, damn tut, big huge glasses, long plaited hair (or once, super curly poodle hair), skin white like paper, and naive as can be.
The boys used to bully me and made fun of me. Not joking leh. They even stole my lunch box and splattered it all over the school hall. School bullies would paste post-it notes at my back "Rupiah 1000,00/hr", thats like fyucking 20 cents, where got so cheap one!

But on top of all these, I was also a shy, low-esteemed kid with stomach problem.
Doctor told me I got gastric complications and I had to drink lots of yogurt.
But somehow, yogurt gave me horrible, yet powerful ability of creating a lot of methane - bloody German gas.

In primary school classes, I farted a lot. *sigh* Sitting still for very long was apparently the most condusive position for the bloody methane to find its exit. Very de pai seh you know.

I was a model student all, a super nerd with no friend, let alone guy fan.

And I farted a lot. So that made it even worse. Super undesirable young woman.
Everytime I farted in class, I'd be so worried that the students would smell it and make fun of me. So I'd pretend that I'd dropped a pencil or something, I would then bend down and quickly vaccuuuuumed the smell as much as I could, sucking in as much smelly air as I could, I tried doing it in many, quick, short breaths.

Whar piang..., damn dizzy you know?

Everytime I came up for air after a vaccuming session, my eyes would tear, my head would spin, the world would suddenly seem surreal.

But what to do, I was trying to save my face, and their noses. The costs of being kind.

Today my brother reminded me of this over the phone, cause I was complaining about mom. And he asked me if it was all the methane smelling last time that got me so smart. heuhue...

He and his rare kind words.

I know I am not so smart anymore now. In fact a complete idiot at many occasions, nowadays.
But I used to be a damn smart kid, AKA geeky nerd. I was subsequently first in class, won scholarships, admitted to Oxford ya dah ya dah.. but then it went downhill from there.

Really don't know where the brains all went to. Must be all the evaporative liquids and funny burnt dried leaves over the years.....Now a confirmed idiot, I think if you ask me about triple integration now, I'd ask you to go and fly tortoise.

So bro was confirming with me, that it must have been the fart smelling that got me so smart and I should start doing it again to regain my smarts.

Basically, he's trying to tell me that everything that my mom oozes are blessings for us. And that I shouldn't be complaining about her farting so much around the house.

What the peep lah. He even offered to fart in my kids' faces next time. I think this kind of uncle I also don't want.

He, himself, on the other hand, used to eat his own nose shits leh! (EH WITT!! You reading!!! Buay song ah?? I don't care... nevermind lah....anyway, everybody you know knows that you used to eat your disgusting UPIL!)

When he was damn wee, like 6 or 7, all the way til 10 I think. He ate a lot of nose shits man. Not joking. He said it was salty. heuheuhue... Crazy bugger. I think that was why, back in school, he didn't do as well as me. But now he's of course a smart boy. Way way smarter than me. He knows the A-Z about automobiles and will one day become a super expert tuner. Hor? No?? He's so smart, so talented, so witty but SOOOOOOOOOOOOO lazy that being smart is of no use liao.. (U HEAR THAT???? U Friggin LAZY BUGGERRRRRR!!!!)



Uhh.. okay..

Anyway, still lub lub lub him a whole lot.


Hiks.. I miss him...


I can't wait til he gets his arse to Singapore next month. I am gonna make him smell my and mom's fart put together.


Basket!



Muaxx..

Byitchfit No good..

UrGH

Just last night, I got pissed again, I know it was Tuesday night but I was forced down lethal liquids.
I had a company function that started at 8, at Suntec Guild House BBQ area, pretty nice you know?

This month, we hit our targets again, so the bosses were givin us a treat.

Nice.

The moment they wanted to have a drinking competition, my sexy lady boss, quickly pulled me and said:" Get Marcelly!! This one can drink!!! This one can drink!!"

Oh well, easily, I beat 8 other guys to the beer drinking game. (not hao lian-ing)

As a prize, I got myself a super huge calculator, the size of A4 size paper leh.
Maybe to be able to show the returns better to my clients,
Mister so and so..
look.. $1,000,000 (BIG BIG) in 5 years lehhhh.
Damn huge man, I don't know if I can carry the calculator everywhere, will be a laugh.

Sometime soon, I should take photo of this calculator leh, damn funny.

Afterwards they also saboed me to put up a show per division. A talentime of sort.
So, I made the whole division dance MAMBO style to "Can't Take My eyes Off You"

Now, that was fun. Hue heh...

After that, we all went down to Balaclava to have more drinks.. but I had to leave halfway to Riverine because my super cute, humpty dumpty friend Jason messaged me

"River tonite? Shirley's birthday"

Shirley's the bartender there and a dear friend. Tonight she's gonna be punished, I am sure. Plus, I haven't seen Jason for ages. I miss him.

The moment I stepped into Riverine ( definitely quite drunk already), this chubby girl stepped on my toes, derm pain siah...I looked up and she apologised nicely.

I thought, what a funny looking girl. Tallish, meatyish, sheepish, not ugly.. but not gorgeous either. She dressed up very corporate like, pretty decent looking overall lah.

Next to her, stood Captain Scary. I did expect to bump into him. But it still surprised me a little to see him there, looking very all too familiar.

Straight away, I had a gut feeling. A bad one.

This girl and him.

As the night went on, the picture became clearer. Oh yes, I know. I am over him. But seeing them canoodling in front of me, still made me want to fyucking slap his face leh.

Why ah??

When he saw me, he quickly smiled, came over and kissed my cheeks, I don't know if this is an acceptable practice. Is it?? Your fyucking girlfriend is there leh.. That chubby girl must have felt something too. You know how girls have super senstive sense. She looked my way a few times, with unreadable expression, but we weren't introduced.

I was bitching to Jason (GUILTY!!): " Eh.. his new girlfrien ah? Why so ugly leh? Why so fat?"

I know I was mean, I was drunk and I was a bit angry for some reasons I couldnt comprehend.

Jason scolded me back :" Dont be so offensive lah, dont be so fyucking stupid lah Marcelly!!!!"

Heuehuehue..

Damnit. Kanna scolded oredi.

I really didn't want to be the bitchy ex-girlfriend, plus Captain Scary is a chapter I was supposed to close very long ago. He was the worst possible candidate ever. He was the boyfriend from Hell. Not joking. He has given me hell and I really don't know how I stayed so stupid for so long. Love is blind. In every sense of it.

I hate bitchy ex-girlfriends and last night, I hated myself a little.

In my mind, I was like "That bastard, they won't last long. He's such a downright asshole.. Urghh.. Disgusting.. I wonder how many other girlfriends he has out there... bastard.. How dare he flirted with me just weeks back.. and now... "

blah blah.. blah..Bitchy - potty mouthed me. I should wish them 'happy ever after'.. actually no, I hope she moves on soon and finds someone better.

Little did she know that when I asked Captain: "Eh... your new girlfriend ah?"

He has rolled his eyes and said reluctantly:"Uh".

Also, did she notice that his wandering eyes still looked my way one too many times that night? I just had to look out from the corner of my eyes, I know he was looking at me at some points.

That grotesque demon.

I still sound super bitter huh? This is bad. Cause I definitely threw Captain Scary into the rubbish dump liao..

Now I like men with authoritative uniforms... and preferably with handcuffs ready. Heuhe...

Anyway, it was really nice to catch up with Jason, he was hilarious as usual, mixing up his "l"s and"r"s...

I was teasing him :" The angmoh says my eyes are brue leh.. don't you fink it's brack or blown?? BRUE EYESS MEHH?? wahh.. like tlaffic righttt.."

Heuheuhe.. Aiyah.. Jason.. if only he's not married. Hahaha..

Before the new disgusting (beg your pardon) couple left River, Captain (I should degrade him to Corporal), so, Corporal Scary came over and gave me more cheek kisses, leaving his chubby girl's eyes to expand with bewilderment. But she seemed damn cool about everything. I gave her that much credit. By the way, She shrieks like a constipated Hyena (her voice damn shrieky and annoying) and puts "fucking" in her every sentence, she also smoke 10 times more than me, and yes much much fatter. However, she seems like a nice girl and she seems so super smitten with him...constantly smiling at him, looking up to him with lovelorn eyes.. rubbing his elbow.. making my hair stands.... And I think she's rich, I noticed her LV bag and Zara suit, ah.. at least rich enough to satiate his drinking habits. Good for him lah. I don't know if it's a fair trade for her. Poor girl. I know what it's like to be out with that scary man. He's a piz of shitz. Piz of shit that I used to love. Broody Heoww..

SHITZ LAHHHH I DONT WANT THIS ENTRY TO SOUND SO SAD AND BITCHY!!!

Here's : HASTALAVISTA Corporal Scary!....!!! Don't let the door slam your butt, on your way out eh!!!

Bah.

Okay okay.. dont care liao.. I am gonna make some trouble in the neighbourhood so that cute policemen can come and arrest me....

"Officer... would you... would you... handcuff me down please...?" *cheeky grin*

Watashi wa Masari-chan.. Hajimemasite...=P

Jia Rat Big Time.

I don't know if it's got to do with Korean-Japanese guy craze (i.e Hyun bin, Takeshi), or has the silliest-kawai-wannabe streak in me just surfaced.

But now I want to be KAWAI girl.

See ah, maybe that way, some Korean drama producer can spot me and ask me to star opposite Hyun Bin in his next drama hiak hiak!!!!!!!

*SIGH*

IDIOT

What a stupid girl right?

BUT I DONT CARE LIAO!!!

I took lots of Kawaii photoes already! I just took it today - 1 Sep- 11am! ... And I am gonna whore it!!! NOW!

He he he.. I actually high-lighted my hair myself. How? Can be a hair dresser anot?

I blowdried it straight, with Japanese Kawaii bangs.

Eh! Ah shit, I feel very silly actually,acting Kawaii and all this shit, almost want to puke, but you know, it's kinda nice to be a Kawaii girl for once. If your teeth are aching as you see it, I beg your pardon. Oki? So, since it's all Kawai pics, and Kawaii shits.. so I must write Kawaii Kawaii style right?

Iz it liKe DiZz? =P (HeE HeEe..^_^)

ArH cAN yU seE mI poZzing pozZInG? Totemo kawaii ne? 6_ô

WaHhh.. yU SeE?? Yu SeE??? DeRm CuTezzz RitE??





ErMzzz.. SeE Mi PoUtY PouTY..





MuaCkzZZZ...




T.T ...

Aiyoh... Mi MuZ AdMitZ.. A BIttzz liKeZz A ChIOoo NIPpoN aH LiAn ahRz??

HiaKZzz.. HIaKzz....

Ummmppph.... This one not Kawai liao..

Wah I tell you it's damn tiring to write lidat (LiKe DiZzz) , is there a normal procedure ah?
Like one finger is constantly on shift button. Press and press sporadically, is it?
Or got special program to write annoyingly like that?

Farg.. heuheu.. heck lah.




I must admit. Sometimes, Kawaii is like daammm far away from me leh. That last one is like a total chao ah lian trying to act cool leh! Grr..

But other times, ehh... I am like quite sophisticated.

Orh.. No meh???? NO MEHHH???????


*put gun on your head*.. NO MEHHH???

Hehehe..

Maybe more cool than kawaii.. more cool than cute.. heh?



huehuehue...



But sure got a bit of KIREI (pweety). No?

At least a bit lahh...!!

Aiyohh... cheeky Japanese Ahlian!!!

Shit... heuheuheuhue.. bordering on disgusting..

And I am a bit more profound than just kawaii.. coz this photo is so nicely taken..
I think.

Hehe..

Hehe.. See froggy and me over the rainbow..

And this last photo.... is

"" the mostest totemoest kireiest kawaiiestt photoest""...

Wah the hair like so nicely styled oso!!.. *-*

Eh heh heh.. What a vainpot me. AH! I DONT CARE!

Sometimes, taking lotsa photoes after dolling up boost my confidence again.
I feel good when I look good.

So, I am what I feel.


And today, I feel so good.


=)




The rest can go fly kite!!!